The Trouble with God by Chris Matheson

Author:Chris Matheson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pitchstone Publishing
Published: 2018-10-10T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

At a certain point in the writing of the Koran, God had started to wonder if maybe he was slightly overdoing it on the punishment side of things. “Maybe it’d be a good idea to talk a little bit more about the reward side,” he thought. God decided to describe to Muhammad what good people could expect at the end of their lives (other than the unspeakable joy of knowing that everyone else was burning, eating cactus, and drinking boiling water, haha!) (K, 35:36–37) Granted, there wouldn’t be very many good people in the end, hardly any really, like one tenth of one percent of mankind maybe, but still, for that tiny little minority of human beings that never ever doubted God’s perfection (and God frankly doubted whether such people even existed), for them there would be Paradise.

Life in Paradise would be marvelous, God informed Muhammad. People would wear lots of jewelry; their clothes would be silk and they would lounge around on couches and carpets, murmuring “Peace, peace” to each other (K, 35:33) while sipping sparkling wine (K, 47:15)—nonalcoholic needless to say! (K, 37:47) There would also be (and this is where God had surprised himself, at least at first) big-eyed virgins (K, 37:48; 55:56), lovely young maidens who had never been with either man or genie. (Women who’d had sex with genies were extremely slutty, in God’s opinion. “Why would anyone sleep with a genie?” he had repeatedly demanded.) These virginal young maidens would be available to the men in Paradise for eternal lovemaking, God informed Muhammad. (Q: Would the lovemaking be procreative? A: No, obviously not. God didn’t want a bunch of screaming babies in Paradise. The maidens would have to be “fixed” so that they could never get pregnant.)

God remembered stopping at that point and mulling over what he had just written, feeling frankly confused by it. “This makes no sense,” he thought to himself. “I hate sex, I always have. Why would I want it in Paradise?”

Then, in a flash, God understood. “Of course,” he exclaimed with a broad smile. “The virgins are a temptation.” He decided to go one step further: “I will also surround those few good men in Paradise with handsome lads!” (K, 76:19) “Only the ones who decline to have sex with these nubile youths will get to stay in Paradise,” he mused. God loved to imagine a man who’d comported himself perfectly in life and had just arrived in Paradise. There he sat, reclining on a couch in his brocaded silk robe, sporting a chunky silver bracelet and drinking nonalcoholic wine and feeling pretty damned great about himself—until he looked at one of those perfectly formed boys and thought to himself, “At last, my eternal reward,” but the moment he touched one of those eternally firm buttocks, guess what, he would find himself plunging straight to Hell! “If anyone thinks there’s going to be homosexual hanky-panky going on in Paradise, they’ve got another thing coming!!” God had yelled loudly to no one in particular.

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